Day 1

Something I hate about myself is how obsessed I am with my body and my weight. Not only does it effect me, but it has an effect on everyone around me that loves me. I used to be a bigger girl ( my weight has topped at about 155ish and I am only 5'2'') and another thing that came with being big was being the slowest kid on the soccer field, the athletics class, being called fat, and hiding under ugly clothes that didn't hug me in any bad places. Even though my dad didn't want me to date until I was at least a freshman in High School, it didn't really matter because no one ever really liked me like that. I was the funny fat kid cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. Well I finally lost all of that weight halfway through high school and "blossomed". Even though the weight came off I was still self-conscious and a lot of that had to do with having a boyfriend who treated me like ish. Just as I was easing into my new "skin" I discovered the world of parties and malt beverages..t .an old friend of mine and I would party every single Friday and Saturday....well by the time it was the end of the summer and time for me to head of to college, I had gained all of that weight back! I struggled with it throughout college, even though I worked out relentlessly and obsessively (6-7 times a week) I just could not get the weight off. I think the comfort carbs you eat in college and all my working out kind of cancelled each other out to where I wasn't gaining nor losing weight. I can definitely say none of it was from partying because I was busting ass my freshman year to be able to get accepted to UT Austin :). Well anyway fast-forward to 2010. I am finally back down to my weight I was in high school 125-range. Although I have trimmed off most of the fat, I still need to tone my stomach (which has forever and ever been a problem area) and my arms and back. I am obsessed with my body as if I never lost any of the weight to begin with. I feel like I have this distorted vision of myself to where when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob, when in reality I look fine! I know Derek hates that I beat myself up over how I look, but how can you blame someone who was poked at and teased for several years, lost the weight, and then gained it all back!? While Derek has been gone I was able to lose the last 3 pounds or so that I was juggling with because of him being home and us having movie nights with Coldstone and going out to eat and stuff like that. A goal of mine besides to trim the rest of this fat off is to also accept love my body. I really only think that I can accomplish that once I have accomplished a great looking stomach and arms. I also sometimes think "well if I wasn't hard on myself then I would just let myself go and get fat again!". That can only be true to a certain extent. We cannot be too hard on ourselves or else that stress will only make our bodies do the exact opposite of lose the fat and just keep it on for longer to cope with the stress!