Day 9

Someone I didn't want to let go, but just drifted...I would have to say Emilee. My long-time friend since 4th grade. She brought it upon herself because she went down the wrong path and didn't let me be there for her and to help her. She didn't allow me to be a positive influence in her life. She's someone that I guess I kind of HAD to let go because she just brought me down. We would plan things and she just wouldn't show up, wouldn't call, etc. It makes me sad. She requested to be my friend on Facebook a few months back and I denied it. There's just no space for her in my life now. I miss her, but my life is better and okay without her.

Day 8

Someone who made my life hell....really no one...I mean my ex-boyfriend was a bastard in high school...and I still to this day don't understand what it was I saw in him that kept me hooked for 2 years of the emotional abuse, but whatever it was it led me to the amazing man I have today. Andrew was a very ignorant guy, lol. My dad and the rest of my family despised him and now of course I can see why.

Day 7

Okay so I'm a day behind...I know I know. Anyway. Someone who has made my life living for...obviously we say our significant other. My husband Derek and I have been through hell and back with each other. Thank God we experienced the worst before we got married. I love him with all of my heart and I would not be half the person I am if it weren't for him influencing me daily to be a stronger woman. With that being said I also have to mention my father for pushing me to be strong, independent, and self-managing. I think Derek and my father have taught me so much in life that I could never find the words or actions to thank them enough. The two most important people in my life are the only men in my life and I love both of them infinitely in two unique ways.

Amazing recipe for my pumpkin lovers!!

So my friend gave me the simplest most delicious pumpkin recipe. You get a box of spice cake mix and a can of Pumpkin puree (I got Libby's) and blend the cake mix and pumpkin together. Bake for about 25-30 minutes and you have a pumpkin spice cake/bread! You can make cream cheese icing if you want, but I decided to save myself on the calories, plus the cake is soo moist I loved it alone. It's a Weight Watchers recipe and each serving is worth 1 point and at about 157 calories. I am in love with it! I think I will send Derek a batch of it too because it's pretty much pumpkin bread with a yummy spice flavor! Enjoy!

Also for dinner I am making turkey meatloaf! I am using my mom's recipe for meatloaf but instead of beef I am using ground turkey. For just me (including left overs to be used for the next couple days) I use a pound of meat. If I am cooking for myself and Derek or guests I use 2 pounds. I use a cup of oat meal, 1/2 an onion, 1 egg, and ketchup, steak seasoning, and worcheshire sauce all to taste. My mom and I are the type of cooks that just throw things together until we like how it tastes. Bake this for an hour in the oven at 350 degrees for about an hour if you use 2 pounds of meat. It's like a hamburger mound...lol...I love it!

Day 6

I hope to never have to get a divorce. They are the most terrible things especially for the children. Derek's mom and dad have been together for 28 years and I want that to be us as well. Together forever through the thick and thin. We love each other tremendously and I want it to always be that way. We have already been through hell and back together so I am very confident that whatever else life throws at us we will overcome it. He is my everything and I want it to stay that way.

Day 5

Something I hope to do in life is to visit Europe. I absolutely love to travel and anyone who loves traveling must visit Europe at one point in their lives. I guess a more "professional" goal of mine is to advance my career in the business world. Now that I have begun working my first "real" job and it being in business management, I love it! I definitely see myself in this career long term. Whenever we make the move to the West Coast I can see my career options widening as well because there is so much more opportunity in California. So that's pretty much it. I'm tired so I will be ending this one quick.

Day 4

Something I have to forgive someone else for would be my mom hurting me so bad emotionally when I was younger. She made my life miserable when she divorced my dad because she forced me away from him for 2 months and would constantly lie to me because I guess she thought I was so young (11) that I wouldn't understand. Well maybe at the time I didn't get it, but I found out soon enough. I have always been a daddy's girl and I think it hurt her beyond measures when I refused and fought to go with her and demanded to live with my dad. Especially being so young she probably expected to just have both my sister and me with no problems. Over the years we drifted and fought constantly. I hated having to go stay with her on her weekends and hated even more when my dad and stepmom went out of town because it meant I had to spend a whole week at her house. She tried to make our relationship better by letting me do whatever I wanted and in all honesty that made it worse. I guess our relationship got better while I was in college and didn't have to see her much. I can handle her in small amounts. I guess I just cannot get along with someone who is a habitual liar and is too weak to leave her alcoholic husband. She will cover lies with more lies and then backs herself into a corner and can't get back out. Her personality is weak whereas mine is more strong. I hate that I have to blast her on here like this, but it's the truth. I love my mom and would do anything for her. I miss her and can't wait to see her, but we just don't have that mother/daughter relationship like most girls have with their moms. I have that relationship with my dad and get along more with my stepmom as a mom/daughter do than my own mother and I do. I have forgiven my mom for a lot of things, but I find it so hard to forgive her for the things she does today because they are preventable, she just chooses not to change.

What a day!

There aren't many days where I can say that I was so tired by the time I leave work that all I want to do and end up actually doing is going home, vegging on the couch with my dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Most days I SAY that I want to do just that, but usually I get in some sort of work out after work whether it be going walking, the gym, or doing yoga in the living room. Hell even playing wii could suffice as a workout sometimes. Not tonight. I literally came home, made dinner, plopped on the couch and have been here since I got home at 7:50. I love it. This morning Derek called at 3:20 and I talked to him until 4 AM. I didn't actually fall back asleep until almost 5 and then I woke up for the day at 8 so I could go to the gym. I worked out REALLY hard at the gym, I mean I busted my own ass lol. Then I came home, got ready for work, and had been there all day. I did get in some walking time at work so I walked about 25 minutes as well so that helped me keep my energy level up, but man it is 9:15 and I am POOPED! I plan on getting some great sleep tonight and getting up bright and early for a great workout. I think the evening workouts are coming to a slow down with it getting dark so early. So now I really need to make sure to workout in the morning and walk throughout the day so I don't obtain a winter "layer" lol. Does anyone have any suggestions to beat the holiday weight gain? It's so hard for me because for some reason I just naturally crave coffee, hot cocoa, and of course those fatty baked goods and desserts! Anyway I am off to bed! Good night!!

Day 3

Something I have to forgive myself for is beating myself up over things I do wrong, even if it was something that I was forgiven for or told it was "no big deal", for some reason I feel so stupid whenever I screw up, say or do something wrong, or piss someone off. I tend to really beat myself up over whether people like me or not. I hate it whenever someone doesn't like me or thinks something about me that isn't nice. I try so hard to show people I am nice, caring, giving, and friendly. At work I bend over backwards for others whether it be a co-worker, boss, or agent. I strive to be a great person and when someone doesn't think that of me I guess it offends me to the point where I beat myself up trying to figure out what is it about me or what is it I said or did that did not strike them the right way. I have to forgive myself for this and STOP doing it. Not all personalities mix and even if I didn't "do something" per se, someone may just not really take to liking my personality that much!

Free food

I HATE it when there is free lunch at work. I say I hate it, I really do secretly LOVE it, but I as a woman trying to keep and perfect her figure, hate it! Today there was Subway served to our current new hire class. I had a little 6 inch with turkey meat, two slices of tomato, pickles, and mustard. No damage there. Well then we have a luncheon to celebrate the people who have gotten 100% customer satisfaction (CSAT) surveys and also kept their average handle time (average time they speak to a customer) down to around the goal range and what are they serving there? Chicken strips and potato wedges from the Wal-Mart deli. Oh. My. God. I LOVE their chicken strips and wedges!!! So I had 4 potato wedges (big ones lol) and 2 strips. Freaking yum! I don't regret it at all! And with my exercise I did today I was still under my calorie limit for the day, but stilllllll it's just bad-for-you food! And that is why I hate free food, it is always sooo bad for you but of course no one passes up free food it's not like the economy is shit and if I can save money and save what I brought for lunch today for another day then I will!

Well that was a nice rambling rant! :)

On another note, today was crazy, but I got a lot done and did my yoga tonight after I talked to Derek's mom on the phone and I feel great! Yoga truly brings me to peace of mind. It is a great work out too! I was going to go to the class tomorrow morning, but since I did a nice work out tonight with it I think I will do strength training and go walking. It really is starting to feel amazing outside out here in NC! I also got to hear from Derek, that always makes my day. He is doing well and is in good spirits and that is a blessing. Every day down I am SO thankful for.

Well I have worn my welcome here not to mention it is past my bed time!

Day 2

Something I love about myself is that I love my passion for life. I am always posting something positive about my day in Facebook no matter what kind of day I'm having. Some people may think I am "too" happy, but in my opinion it's not me being too happy, it's just being thankful for what I have in my life. Life is so short and things can happen so quickly that you just have to be thankful for what you have. My dad's health has not been the greatest and my husband has been deployed to Afghanistan for two months (tomorrow actually is 2 months down!) and I am just so THANKFUL for my dad to be recovering from his colon surgeries very well and for my husband to still be okay. You never know when something can happen. I love life and am on a constant high from it. I love trying new things and enjoying things I already know I love. Life is good and I believe the one thing I can do to show I appreciate it is to be passionate and live for the day.

Day 1

Something I hate about myself is how obsessed I am with my body and my weight. Not only does it effect me, but it has an effect on everyone around me that loves me. I used to be a bigger girl ( my weight has topped at about 155ish and I am only 5'2'') and another thing that came with being big was being the slowest kid on the soccer field, the athletics class, being called fat, and hiding under ugly clothes that didn't hug me in any bad places. Even though my dad didn't want me to date until I was at least a freshman in High School, it didn't really matter because no one ever really liked me like that. I was the funny fat kid cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. Well I finally lost all of that weight halfway through high school and "blossomed". Even though the weight came off I was still self-conscious and a lot of that had to do with having a boyfriend who treated me like ish. Just as I was easing into my new "skin" I discovered the world of parties and malt beverages..t .an old friend of mine and I would party every single Friday and Saturday....well by the time it was the end of the summer and time for me to head of to college, I had gained all of that weight back! I struggled with it throughout college, even though I worked out relentlessly and obsessively (6-7 times a week) I just could not get the weight off. I think the comfort carbs you eat in college and all my working out kind of cancelled each other out to where I wasn't gaining nor losing weight. I can definitely say none of it was from partying because I was busting ass my freshman year to be able to get accepted to UT Austin :). Well anyway fast-forward to 2010. I am finally back down to my weight I was in high school 125-range. Although I have trimmed off most of the fat, I still need to tone my stomach (which has forever and ever been a problem area) and my arms and back. I am obsessed with my body as if I never lost any of the weight to begin with. I feel like I have this distorted vision of myself to where when I look in the mirror I see a fat blob, when in reality I look fine! I know Derek hates that I beat myself up over how I look, but how can you blame someone who was poked at and teased for several years, lost the weight, and then gained it all back!? While Derek has been gone I was able to lose the last 3 pounds or so that I was juggling with because of him being home and us having movie nights with Coldstone and going out to eat and stuff like that. A goal of mine besides to trim the rest of this fat off is to also accept love my body. I really only think that I can accomplish that once I have accomplished a great looking stomach and arms. I also sometimes think "well if I wasn't hard on myself then I would just let myself go and get fat again!". That can only be true to a certain extent. We cannot be too hard on ourselves or else that stress will only make our bodies do the exact opposite of lose the fat and just keep it on for longer to cope with the stress!

30 days of me!

I stole this from my friend Becky, and by doing this it will also keep me motivated to stay consistent with my blogging!

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

It's official

I have finally hit 125! I haven't been this weight since my junior year of high school. Insane! Although I weigh that much, I am so bloated it isn't even funny. It has been a few days since I went number 2...sorry tmi...so I feel gross and swollen and fat! My intestines literally hurt. This is not good. Anyway, so today I have to get Derek's oil changed in his car, and if I am feeling any better this evening I will go walking. My throat hurts and my head is congested so who knows, but it's only 11:45 AM so you never know :)

Oh and by the way here is my banana bread that I made last night.


For breakfast today I had some yummy oatmeal with raisins and some Splenda brown sugar. It was so good and hit the spot for a sick girl. I have a headache coming on again so I better go doctor that. More updates later!

**update

My banana bread was made without a single drop of sugar. That's right, and it tastes completely "normal"! I replaced sugar with Splenda, and just to make sure it tasted sweet enough, I added in about a half cup of Splenda Brown Sugar Blend. It is amazing. I also put in bananas by how much I personally wanted. I know a lot of recipes just call for a generic "1 cup of mashed banana" well I just broke apart about 4 bananas and threw em in then blended them up with the rest of the other ingredients. Simply delicious and about 50 calories less per serving!! :)

Lazy Sunday

I slept in today until 11:30! What's even crazier about that is I went to bed at 12:30 last night, so I slept a nice, solid 11 hours. I must have needed it. I got up, had a quick breakfast, went on a 35 minute walk to just wake up and cleaned up the apartment. Then my friend Amber came over and we went to the beach for a get-together the unit had for all the wives. It was alright. I'm more excited about the pot luck we are having next Sunday! After the beach I came home and just relaxed, made dinner watched some football, and then I went walking for 65 minutes. For dinner I baked some chicken that I had dipped in fat-free milk and then covered them with some flour, cajun seasoning and bread crumbs. I also got a couple small tomatoes, drizzled them with olive oil and spread some minced garlic, salt, and pepper on them and baked them until they popped and browned. It was delicious and light!

I am going to make homemade banana bread tonight too. I'm so excited! I will post a picture of it when I'm done.

On the downside today, I feel like I am coming down with a cold. I also feel so gross and bloated almost like my whole body is feeling the swelling. My stomach looks huge :( I just really hope everything "flushes" out soon!

Week 1 in review

Soo counting calories is the best thing you can do (in my opinion of course) if you are trying to shed pounds. I am not really trying to lose weight, but more like tone up and target these last little areas of improvement (my tummy, underarms, and back fat...typical woman areas). I am now down to about 125 pounds. When I started trying to lose weight about a year and a half ago I weighed between 148-150! My how things have changed!!! I eat more now, however I go walking a ton and do strength training and yoga so it keeps my metabolism constantly ablaze.

ANYWAY!

So this past week I decided that I needed to reevaluate how I handled my day because before I got promoted I was able to take scheduled breaks and lunches because I was working hourly. Now that I am salary I pretty much decide when I take my breaks and lunches. For the couple weeks prior to this past week I had gotten off track and felt sluggish and blah because I was sitting at my desk all day long and not getting to get outside and get a few laps in to recharge and clear my head. this last week I made it a point to get back to my routine and it felt great. I had a great week! I also weighed in and the last time I had weighed myself I was 126 and I got down to 125 woohoo! To end the week on an amazing note...I went to Wilmington today with my friend Ashley and we had lunch and went shopping and just enjoyed the day, I went walking a couple times, anddd I got to talk to Derek for...TWO HOURS! Ahhhhhh that's craziness! It's the most we have gotten to talk the entire 2 months almost that he's been there! It will be 2 months the 22nd, so pretty much 2 months lol.

Tomorrow I am going to the beach for a battalion event and to get some sun. I will also go walking and I think I want to make a chicken recipe for dinner. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Day 2

Today was my second day of getting back on track. It was a somewhat hectic day at work. I had to terminate an employee, and my goal to coach a lot of people was stopped one person short due to the que of callers we had. That added a little stress to me, but I told myself to breath and to still take my breaks and lunch. 2 fifteen minute breaks and a 30-45 minute lunch don't seem like they can make a difference, but they do! When I go walking around the building on my breaks, it helps me clear my head and re-energize. Walking is soooo good for you! On top of previous mentioned things that happened, I had to cover for the closer of the night. Which meant instead of working my 10:30-7:30 shift, I worked 10:30-11:15 PM. 15 minutes short of a 12 hour day :). But I still am not in a bad mood and I think it's because I have my exercise breaks back in control and it makes me happy inside which effects me on the outside! It's almost midnight and I'm beat. I don't go into work until 2 tomorrow because tomorrow was my original day to close. Today the food intake was okay, besides eating a couple reeses mini cups and 2 bite size Kit-Kats. Lol. I got to go walking and do lunges before work for 70 minutes and I did about 50 minutes total of walking today at work so it made my end calorie balance a positive one :) I am trying to shave off these last couple pounds of fat that line my body so I am counting calories! Lol. Goodnight world!

Starting over!

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I saw what work was doing to me emotionally and physically. Not having a game plan at work was making me stress out, not feel like working out, and I was eating without the exercise to compensate for the calories. So I decided that in order for me to be a more successful manager for my agents, I need to be happy and on the ball. So today I did two hours of work, and then took a break, did 3 hours of work and then took a lunch, worked for two more hours, took a break and then worked for another hour. I was able to go walking like I used to do every day and I was SUPER productive at work. Everyone thinks that Team Leaders don't have time to take breaks because there is too much work to do, but that isn't true. I did MORE in just today while also taking my breaks, than I was doing daily last week without taking breaks and hardly taking a lunch. I love it! I went walking before and after work too. I will be doing some push ups and crunches here in a bit. I started a food and exercise journal to keep up with my calorie intake and output. It really helps me keep myself accountable. Here's to a new, better me!

So up and down.

Since Derek left my appetite has been doing all kinds of weird things!!! Almost to the point where one would think I was pregnant, lol....btw I'm not hahaha. The first month and a half or so was me having absolutely NO appetite. Now for the past 2 weeks, I just want to eat everything in sight!!! Watching the Food Network does not help one bit :( Everything sweet is appealing and I find myself tempted to eat when I'm bored. This weekend I tried fighting the boredom by going on a walk when I got bored and had a craving. I went on 2 30-minute walks yesterday, and worked out for an hour with my friend that evening!!!!!! Anyone have any tips? Any diet pills that really work in curving an appetite? This is ridiculous! I have actually lost 3 or 4 pounds since he left because I am not eating out like we do normally or eating Coldstone lol. I am terrified of gaining any weight :( This deployment is for me to tone up what bit of flab is left!!!! Help!!!!!!!! :(

I do have to say that having "diet" treats around really helps because I am getting a fix, without all of the calories as a regular snack. Before I got promoted at work I was working hourly so I had 2 scheduled breaks and a 30 minute lunch. During those times I would walk laps around the building at work. Now that I am a manager I have a lot more responsibilities and find myself barely taking a lunch and not getting any breaks (even though we are still allowed to have them). Beginning tomorrow I am going to stick to a routine so I can still have those breaks and take some time during lunch to walk also. I have to get my life back in order!!! I just now realized that work really has a lot to do with this plateau I have hit as well. So here we go on a new action plan!